Thy Will Be Done

Today was the first day of my run-away.  Yesterday was filled with driving so it doesn’t count.  I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed by the minute by minute responsibilities of “the care-taker”.  But today, I dug in the dirt.  I cleared three very large beds of winter detritus. Then came a torrent of hail (pea-sized) that covered the grass.  Thank God for His intervention.  This was my first springtime, dive into yard work day.  And as usual I was so excited about just “being out there” that I physically went hell-bent-for-leather.  If that thunderstorm and hail had not happened when it did, I would not be typing.  I would be lying in a hot bath full of Epsom salts and praying that I would be able to walk tomorrow.

Today was my first day of truly owning what it means to be a caretaker.  Just as I came inside to escape the frozen rain pellets, my Mom called.  She was agitated, frustrated and at the end of her rope.  You see, the day before I granted myself a run-away – we scheduled my 81 year old, heart-afflicted Dad for full back surgery.  He fell.  He broke his back.  The doctors tried a non-invasive procedure to stabilize his back.  That procedure seems to have failed.  Visit to ER.  It seems his spinal cord is compressed in the area of the procedure.  Full surgery recommended.

Both brothers – whose “I live a long way away” hearts are totally in the right place – want a second opinion before the surgery. Dad, not understanding how simple getting a second opinion is, cancelled his surgery.  He rescheduled for Easter week to allow time for second opinions. Whole family scheduled to be at our house for Easter. Three board meetings that week.  Youngest daughter is getting married April 28.  I am definitely in a swivet. Did I mention that those board meetings and family Easter weekend are scheduled to occur 4.5 hours west of my parents’ home??

Perhaps that is what God is telling me yet again.  “You are not in charge.  You are not in charge.” So again, I relinquish my need to be in charge.  What will be will be.  I AM NOT IN CHARGE!  Thy will be done.  Amen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for a day off

Thank you, God, for this day.  I also have to thank my daughter, Megan.  And I better thank my parents. And Peggy, too. Everybody, quite literally everybody, gave me the day off.  First of all, God made it an absolutely beautiful spring day in Eastern NC.  As most of you know, I have spent the last several weeks adjusting to a new reality in my family.  My Dad broke his back and overnight, I became a caretaker, organizer, entertainer, and planner for my 80-something parents. (With wonderful support from my brothers)  My sweet oldest daughter gave me some truly sage advice last night – go sit down somewhere and drink a cup of coffee all by yourself.  Take an hour for you.  You need it. And Peggy agreed to hold the fort.

I spent the morning putting my house back in order.  (Painters and plasterers for days on end. We were absolutely not first in line following the last storm season so I am truly not complaining that it is now our turn) Then I did it. I had a cup of coffee. I wandered through Target, Ross, Big Lots, Marshall’s, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and Lowes Hardware (a long-time favorite).  I got home around four to find that Tav had been doing honey –do chores outside.  We went to the nursery to shop for plants for the yard. (AM's wedding is less than 60 days away now. That’s a scary thought! Truly gives me the shivers!)

We got home, and while he continued in the yard, I spent a couple hours with my parents. Sat on the patio and drank wine.  Mom gifted me with the last crochet project my Dad’s mother finished.  A lovely, exquisitely complicated bedspread that means the world to me.  I am such a crybaby about family history.

Homemade vegetable soup for dinner.  Tav’s soup had the addition of ground lamb. (Thanks, Lynne)  Mine – all veggie. Cozied up on the couch together watching American Idol.  Hokey, I know.  But I’m an Idol addict.  Go Jessica Sanchez!!! And kudos to Tav for lasting almost the whole show.

May not be your idea of a good day.  After the intensity of the last several weeks – perfect for me.

Thanks to all contributors.  I will ever be grateful.  I will also try very hard to continue to say thank you for the small things that make such a big difference in everyday life.

This has been a great day.  Thank you, God.  And thank you family and friends for making it possible.  Anybody you need to thank today??

Confession Day

Confession Day, Ask for help Day, This was a Very Bad Day, Day.

I wish I was always patient, that I always read situations correctly, that I was able to cope with everything that happens to be thrown my way.  Unfortunately – I don’t think that is ever going to happen.  I just don’t seem to be able to distance myself from poor language choices, or uncalled for temper tantrums, or just plain bad behavior.  Even when I know that the offensive person is not in control of his behavior or his mouth or anything else, for that matter.  In other words, I should be able, as an adult, to brush bad behavior/language off and just consider the source and move on.  I guess I really need not only my own prayers on that one, but to ask for all of my friends’ prayers also.

No matter how old you are.  No matter how well you think you understand a senior citizen’s angst.  No matter how well-prepared you think you are to deal with aging parents, guess what?  You are not prepared to be damned to hell by people you love.  You just can’t prepare for that.  You just don’t think in your wildest dreams that those words will be spoken.  But they were.  And I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I prepared for, I would never have been prepared for that.

So now that it’s done, now that those words (words I would never dream of speaking – ever) have been spoken directly to me by a person I am charged (by myself, my family and God) with taking care of – what do I do?? How do I fulfill the duty I have been charge with?  I really need help to clear my mind of the words spoken - of the hurtfulness of the words and the sentiment.  I need to absolutely forget.  I need to move on.  I am the person charged with this care-taking.  I can do it.  I’m willing to do it.  I really need to put this whole thing in perspective and stop feeling sorry for myself and follow my own advice. 

This is not the parent I’ve known all my life.  This is a person who is feeling so out of control that they lash out at everyone around them in an effort to control something.  This is a person who cared for me even when I was out of control at whatever age – infant, teen, young adult.  I will care lovingly for them.  But, Lord, I need help.  I really, truly need help.