Thy Will Be Done

Today was the first day of my run-away.  Yesterday was filled with driving so it doesn’t count.  I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed by the minute by minute responsibilities of “the care-taker”.  But today, I dug in the dirt.  I cleared three very large beds of winter detritus. Then came a torrent of hail (pea-sized) that covered the grass.  Thank God for His intervention.  This was my first springtime, dive into yard work day.  And as usual I was so excited about just “being out there” that I physically went hell-bent-for-leather.  If that thunderstorm and hail had not happened when it did, I would not be typing.  I would be lying in a hot bath full of Epsom salts and praying that I would be able to walk tomorrow.

Today was my first day of truly owning what it means to be a caretaker.  Just as I came inside to escape the frozen rain pellets, my Mom called.  She was agitated, frustrated and at the end of her rope.  You see, the day before I granted myself a run-away – we scheduled my 81 year old, heart-afflicted Dad for full back surgery.  He fell.  He broke his back.  The doctors tried a non-invasive procedure to stabilize his back.  That procedure seems to have failed.  Visit to ER.  It seems his spinal cord is compressed in the area of the procedure.  Full surgery recommended.

Both brothers – whose “I live a long way away” hearts are totally in the right place – want a second opinion before the surgery. Dad, not understanding how simple getting a second opinion is, cancelled his surgery.  He rescheduled for Easter week to allow time for second opinions. Whole family scheduled to be at our house for Easter. Three board meetings that week.  Youngest daughter is getting married April 28.  I am definitely in a swivet. Did I mention that those board meetings and family Easter weekend are scheduled to occur 4.5 hours west of my parents’ home??

Perhaps that is what God is telling me yet again.  “You are not in charge.  You are not in charge.” So again, I relinquish my need to be in charge.  What will be will be.  I AM NOT IN CHARGE!  Thy will be done.  Amen.

Thank God for the Support of Sister/Friends

Today in Eastern North Carolina was a balmy 55 – sunny – high white clouds running with the wind.  Sort of a perfect Spring Day. Except that my hair blowing in the wind generated enough static electricity to power lower Manhattan.  I owe so many sister/friends a thank you.  You read my last post.  You – too many to count – helped me define boundaries, helped me re-define what I’m willing to take personally, fed me buckets of empathy, and mostly just loved on me.  I’m grateful.  More than you will ever know.

I spent a great deal of last night talking to myself.  I knew the day would come when I would need to parent my parents.  Many, many of you warned me it was coming. But like most novices, I really didn’t hear you or believe what you told me that meant.   You were right.  I do need to accept that it’s time for me to parent my parents. (accept what I cannot change)  I need to re-define what my boundaries are, what my role is in our relationship (change the things you can).  And I need to minute by minute redefine how I react to the day.  (find the wisdom to know the difference)  I can do this. And what’s more I’ll own that it’s my turn.

I have never doubted that I was a good parent to my children – they have more than reaffirmed that fact at least 6000 times over the years.  They are really, truly, by anybody’s standards – good kids. What my challenge is now is to define what makes my parents good kids. That sounds a bit ridiculous, but this is a new parenting challenge for me. It probably encompasses the same things it’s always encompassed. Probably what it means is that they are doing the best they can.  That they are coping the best they can with aches and pains, with diminishing capacity – both physically and mentally.  That they practice some form of gratitude.  For a life well-lived. For children who absolutely love them. For the absolutely unquestioning love of pets. For children willing to assume the responsibility for making their last years as happy as they can be.  For children who understand that “diminished capacity” does not necessarily mean all capacities are diminished. For children who allow them to be their best – whatever that definition is.

Thank you, sister/friends, for making me realize that one bad day does not the whole week smother.  Thank you for holding me accountable.  Thank you for loving me.  Thanks for the long-distance hugs.  They all matter.  I hope I can return the favor ten-fold.

Confession Day

Confession Day, Ask for help Day, This was a Very Bad Day, Day.

I wish I was always patient, that I always read situations correctly, that I was able to cope with everything that happens to be thrown my way.  Unfortunately – I don’t think that is ever going to happen.  I just don’t seem to be able to distance myself from poor language choices, or uncalled for temper tantrums, or just plain bad behavior.  Even when I know that the offensive person is not in control of his behavior or his mouth or anything else, for that matter.  In other words, I should be able, as an adult, to brush bad behavior/language off and just consider the source and move on.  I guess I really need not only my own prayers on that one, but to ask for all of my friends’ prayers also.

No matter how old you are.  No matter how well you think you understand a senior citizen’s angst.  No matter how well-prepared you think you are to deal with aging parents, guess what?  You are not prepared to be damned to hell by people you love.  You just can’t prepare for that.  You just don’t think in your wildest dreams that those words will be spoken.  But they were.  And I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I prepared for, I would never have been prepared for that.

So now that it’s done, now that those words (words I would never dream of speaking – ever) have been spoken directly to me by a person I am charged (by myself, my family and God) with taking care of – what do I do?? How do I fulfill the duty I have been charge with?  I really need help to clear my mind of the words spoken - of the hurtfulness of the words and the sentiment.  I need to absolutely forget.  I need to move on.  I am the person charged with this care-taking.  I can do it.  I’m willing to do it.  I really need to put this whole thing in perspective and stop feeling sorry for myself and follow my own advice. 

This is not the parent I’ve known all my life.  This is a person who is feeling so out of control that they lash out at everyone around them in an effort to control something.  This is a person who cared for me even when I was out of control at whatever age – infant, teen, young adult.  I will care lovingly for them.  But, Lord, I need help.  I really, truly need help.