Big Gifts

Some of the greatest gifts in the world are those you find in adversity.  They are the ones that are also the most painful.  Seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?  Big painful gift.  But the words belie the sentiment. And those moments can turn your world upside down or they can turn it right side up. 

Walking through your day doing what you do and wham!  Sudden detour, change in circumstance, door closed – or opened, for that matter, illness, job loss, death, child-birth, marriage, divorce, graduation.  For good or for ill, you know your life has changed – permanently. It’s the stuff of movies and great books. That singular moment.  Think Lauren Bacall or Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.  Or Edna Ferber’s Giant, Steinbeck’s East of Eden or Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird. Singular moments that define time.

I have found that in that moment of understanding, that turn-on-a-dime moment, that “Good Lord, this is real” moment; I always hear a rush of wind, leaves rustling, and wind-chimes tinkling, water splashing. My pulse rate slows, rather than the expected rise that comes with surprise. Everything seems to go to slow motion: my thoughts, my vision, the world around me, other peoples’ speech.  Everything. Nature flashes like a billboard:  pay attention, read the signs, I’m trying to tell you something.

It’s like the universe is giving me time to absorb what just happened.  Time out of time to simply process what is happening and to come up with a coping strategy.  Time to let my brain catch up.  I don’t know why, but for me, that happens to the sounds of wind and rustling leaves and wind chimes and babbling brooks but it does.  Could be because I love being outside.  Could be because I feel closest to God when I’m outside.  Could be because I feel closest to God outside, in my mountains, where the wind rarely lays down.  The wind, the music of the creek outside my every room, the calls of birds and beasties, the rustling leaves in the trees, the moon that shines nightly on my pillow. And the stars, oh the stars.

In those most perfect moments, I realize that the calm won’t last forever and it’s time to get my act in gear. So grateful to have had that moment. Sure enough, the film breaks and does that clack, fwap, clack, fwap noise.  I’ve left my time-warp and change is upon me.  I fully understand that some changes are painful.  That many are life-altering.  I also know that some changes – even the painful ones, open new doors and/or windows. They provide interesting, mind-tweaking challenges, even as they block my retreat to the land of my well-known  comfortable safety net. 

And at that point I know that I’ve received a gift.  A gift I need to roll around on, nuzzle up to, jump up and down on and wrap myself up in.  I need to own it.  I need to embrace it.  I need to swallow it.  I need to deal with the change; the anger, the wonder, the joy, the angst, or the pain.  And then I need to put it all down, let it go, and claim my new normal.

Big painful gift, sometimes.  But the Good Lord allowed me to take the time to introduce myself to today’s normal.  I can choose to embrace that new normal and move on trusting that all will be well, or I can wallow in what is no longer reality.  Pretty much an easy choice when you look at it with those eyes, isn’t it??

Rest in Peace Gilly Gauss

Today our sweet Gilly dog went to heaven.  In my mind she is gallivanting across a range of white puffy clouds.  She is once again sound of body and can retrieve any duck a man can drop.  Tennis balls are fair game, too. She is also pretty good at rabbits and pheasants.   And she can hear again – the smallest whisper of sound.  She is the ultimate guard dog for the old folks in our family and the supreme protector of our young folks, too – as she has been for the last fifteen years.  Her cataracts are totally gone and her bright puppy eyes have perfect vision. 

On her particular cloud there is an abundance of smushy, soft bedding.  There is an open jar of all-meat doggie treats – chicken, steak, ham and lamb.  There is also ice cream and cheese.  All the goodies her kidney disease denied her in her last years.

She is absolutely with God.  I know this to the depths of my being.  And I am grateful for faith.  Gilly dancing on a cloud, tail wagging, clear of vision and sharp of hearing.  And so incredibly dedicated to pleasing her people.

Rest in peace, Gilly Gauss, there will never be another just like you.

Thy Will Be Done

Today was the first day of my run-away.  Yesterday was filled with driving so it doesn’t count.  I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed by the minute by minute responsibilities of “the care-taker”.  But today, I dug in the dirt.  I cleared three very large beds of winter detritus. Then came a torrent of hail (pea-sized) that covered the grass.  Thank God for His intervention.  This was my first springtime, dive into yard work day.  And as usual I was so excited about just “being out there” that I physically went hell-bent-for-leather.  If that thunderstorm and hail had not happened when it did, I would not be typing.  I would be lying in a hot bath full of Epsom salts and praying that I would be able to walk tomorrow.

Today was my first day of truly owning what it means to be a caretaker.  Just as I came inside to escape the frozen rain pellets, my Mom called.  She was agitated, frustrated and at the end of her rope.  You see, the day before I granted myself a run-away – we scheduled my 81 year old, heart-afflicted Dad for full back surgery.  He fell.  He broke his back.  The doctors tried a non-invasive procedure to stabilize his back.  That procedure seems to have failed.  Visit to ER.  It seems his spinal cord is compressed in the area of the procedure.  Full surgery recommended.

Both brothers – whose “I live a long way away” hearts are totally in the right place – want a second opinion before the surgery. Dad, not understanding how simple getting a second opinion is, cancelled his surgery.  He rescheduled for Easter week to allow time for second opinions. Whole family scheduled to be at our house for Easter. Three board meetings that week.  Youngest daughter is getting married April 28.  I am definitely in a swivet. Did I mention that those board meetings and family Easter weekend are scheduled to occur 4.5 hours west of my parents’ home??

Perhaps that is what God is telling me yet again.  “You are not in charge.  You are not in charge.” So again, I relinquish my need to be in charge.  What will be will be.  I AM NOT IN CHARGE!  Thy will be done.  Amen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for a day off

Thank you, God, for this day.  I also have to thank my daughter, Megan.  And I better thank my parents. And Peggy, too. Everybody, quite literally everybody, gave me the day off.  First of all, God made it an absolutely beautiful spring day in Eastern NC.  As most of you know, I have spent the last several weeks adjusting to a new reality in my family.  My Dad broke his back and overnight, I became a caretaker, organizer, entertainer, and planner for my 80-something parents. (With wonderful support from my brothers)  My sweet oldest daughter gave me some truly sage advice last night – go sit down somewhere and drink a cup of coffee all by yourself.  Take an hour for you.  You need it. And Peggy agreed to hold the fort.

I spent the morning putting my house back in order.  (Painters and plasterers for days on end. We were absolutely not first in line following the last storm season so I am truly not complaining that it is now our turn) Then I did it. I had a cup of coffee. I wandered through Target, Ross, Big Lots, Marshall’s, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and Lowes Hardware (a long-time favorite).  I got home around four to find that Tav had been doing honey –do chores outside.  We went to the nursery to shop for plants for the yard. (AM's wedding is less than 60 days away now. That’s a scary thought! Truly gives me the shivers!)

We got home, and while he continued in the yard, I spent a couple hours with my parents. Sat on the patio and drank wine.  Mom gifted me with the last crochet project my Dad’s mother finished.  A lovely, exquisitely complicated bedspread that means the world to me.  I am such a crybaby about family history.

Homemade vegetable soup for dinner.  Tav’s soup had the addition of ground lamb. (Thanks, Lynne)  Mine – all veggie. Cozied up on the couch together watching American Idol.  Hokey, I know.  But I’m an Idol addict.  Go Jessica Sanchez!!! And kudos to Tav for lasting almost the whole show.

May not be your idea of a good day.  After the intensity of the last several weeks – perfect for me.

Thanks to all contributors.  I will ever be grateful.  I will also try very hard to continue to say thank you for the small things that make such a big difference in everyday life.

This has been a great day.  Thank you, God.  And thank you family and friends for making it possible.  Anybody you need to thank today??

Thank God for the Support of Sister/Friends

Today in Eastern North Carolina was a balmy 55 – sunny – high white clouds running with the wind.  Sort of a perfect Spring Day. Except that my hair blowing in the wind generated enough static electricity to power lower Manhattan.  I owe so many sister/friends a thank you.  You read my last post.  You – too many to count – helped me define boundaries, helped me re-define what I’m willing to take personally, fed me buckets of empathy, and mostly just loved on me.  I’m grateful.  More than you will ever know.

I spent a great deal of last night talking to myself.  I knew the day would come when I would need to parent my parents.  Many, many of you warned me it was coming. But like most novices, I really didn’t hear you or believe what you told me that meant.   You were right.  I do need to accept that it’s time for me to parent my parents. (accept what I cannot change)  I need to re-define what my boundaries are, what my role is in our relationship (change the things you can).  And I need to minute by minute redefine how I react to the day.  (find the wisdom to know the difference)  I can do this. And what’s more I’ll own that it’s my turn.

I have never doubted that I was a good parent to my children – they have more than reaffirmed that fact at least 6000 times over the years.  They are really, truly, by anybody’s standards – good kids. What my challenge is now is to define what makes my parents good kids. That sounds a bit ridiculous, but this is a new parenting challenge for me. It probably encompasses the same things it’s always encompassed. Probably what it means is that they are doing the best they can.  That they are coping the best they can with aches and pains, with diminishing capacity – both physically and mentally.  That they practice some form of gratitude.  For a life well-lived. For children who absolutely love them. For the absolutely unquestioning love of pets. For children willing to assume the responsibility for making their last years as happy as they can be.  For children who understand that “diminished capacity” does not necessarily mean all capacities are diminished. For children who allow them to be their best – whatever that definition is.

Thank you, sister/friends, for making me realize that one bad day does not the whole week smother.  Thank you for holding me accountable.  Thank you for loving me.  Thanks for the long-distance hugs.  They all matter.  I hope I can return the favor ten-fold.