Trying to Live in My Dad's Skin

Here’s the deal. I am feeling particularly vulnerable right now. My “over 80” Dad fell and broke his back.  He hurts. His attitude stinks. He is mean. He’s my Dad. I love him

How conflicted can one girl get?? I want to be angry because his attitude is bad. But then I think about me – now. If it were me:

My back is broken, I’m totally dependent. I hurt,  I’m totally dependent. I’m scared, I’m totally dependent. my mind is 45.  I’m totally dependent.  I’m frustrated, I’m totally dependent.  My body may be 80+++ but my mind is not and I’m totally dependent. Everyone has always depended on me,  I’m totally dependent.  Who will take over for me?  I’m totally dependent.  I really, really hurt.  I’m totally dependent.  Who is going to fix this?  I’m totally dependent. I am really, really frightened.  Who will take care of my family?  I’m totally dependent.  I can’t fix this.  Who will?  I’m pretty sure my life will never be the same.  Nobody will ever be able to count on me again.  Oh, God, help me.  I’m frightened and I do not know how to fix this.  I am totally dependent.  Help me.

And in that moment of absolute clarity – he is simply my Dad.  And I get his bad attitude.  And I get why he was mean today.  And I get him - totally.  And I pray that God will help him cope.  Dependence is not for sissies or the weak of heart.  And I get that he is so unbelievably brave. He is my Dad. I love him. And I hope I never make him feel totally dependent. Dear Lord, guide us all to find the right means of support for our loved ones. Help us to empower every last shred of their self-respect and dignity even in their dependence. Help us make it easy for them to be dependent.  Let them feel respected and loved. Amen.

What part of all don't you understand?

Recently, I was engaged in conversation with a group of college students.  I spoke about the day I made the conscious decision to be accountable to myself for my morals, philosophies and behaviors.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  But for the me I was at that time, it was a major shift.  Up to that point, the underlying goal of all my actions was to fit in wherever I was.  There was no consistent, true to the bones, authentic me.  Chalk it up to my generation, or to the way I was raised or to the simple fact that we moved around a lot. This introvert was constantly finding herself in a new place trying to make new friends.  Add to that the need all teenagers have to just fit in and you have a recipe for lots of things to go wrong.

Enter the late 60’s, early 70’s.  The times were definitely changing.  Be there or be square and all that jargon.  It was a frightening time for me to live through.  (More on that another day.)  I survived the times, but I exited that time of my life a very much different, very much stronger, very much more authentic me.  I marched.  I sat-in.  I protested.  I rejected sororities for their exclusivity.  In the process of all that angst, I found me.  I found that there is one central belief in my life.  I am a child of God.  And that in God’s eyes we are all equal in every way. I truly internalized that I am not in control of my world.

I finally owned what my friend, John Shields often says, “What part of all don’t you understand?”  I began to study anti-racism and social justice issues.  I learned the meaning of terms like internalized racism and privilege in new and totally personal ways.  A very wise friend helped me find the language to discuss that just as for generations people have struggled with the disenfranchisement of black people and women; so now are people struggling with the disenfranchisement of lesbian and gay people.

 I keep going back to those statements I’ve heard all my life:  “What part of all don’t you understand?” “We are all God’s children.”  “God made us all.”  “We are all equal in God’s eyes.” 

What if we all held ourselves and each other accountable to those truths?  Would hate go away?  Would war stop?  Would we finally begin to celebrate the differences in our appearances and cultures instead of either pretending the differences aren’t there or trying to actively eliminate the differences? Would we begin to accept all the myriad ways God made us different?  Would we understand that He made us different on purpose?  Will we ever internalize that God loves us all equally?

See what a conversation with college students will do to your mind??  They help me remember.  They help me recommit to holding myself and others accountable for our behaviors and our words.  They remind me to take time to ponder my world and my place in it. They call me to be authentic and to be engaged in change.  It feels good.

When is the last time you had a meaningful conversation with a group of young adults who are not members of your family?  You might just be surprised where that conversation takes you. I know I was, and am; every single time.